The majority of discussions about bullying focus on children, women, people of color, differing abilities, ethnic/religious targeting, or different gender orientations. All of these are absolutely valid, and I will address these later. Right now, I am focusing on the bullying of men in professional, familial, friendship, and domestic partner contexts. Why? Because this is a forgotten demographic. There is domestic abuse, sexual harassment, etc, that has taken place at the hands of heterosexual and even homosexual/other orientation men. HOWEVER, there are so many loving, open, talented, and brilliant men who suffer bullying at the hands of employers, social systems, male (and female) bosses, and domestic partners (both male and female). Heterosexual men often suffer bullying in silence, because of societal, religious, and cultural norms that prevent them from addressing the abuse. Often, they are not believed, or they are portrayed as the abusers. They may have obligations to children which they feel keeps them trapped in verbal, psychological, emotional, financial, sexual, and even physical abuse. Yes! There are grown men who are physically assaulted by their female domestic partners! The result is that they bear the burden of shame and a feeling of entrapment in employment, marital/romantic, religious, and peer group expectations. They often literally have nowhere to turn.
Men who are bullied are not weak! The majority of the time, they are loving partners, parents, hard workers, team players. They may be active in community groups or spiritual/religious groups, and they genuinely are good, loving people who want to do right. They are actually strong, gentle, and good-hearted men! This sensitivity, diligence, vulnerability, and honesty can be exploited by employers, groups, and narcissistic/borderline personality disordered female spouses/partners/bosses.
As with any bullying, respectfully declining to allow yourself to be verbally abused is foremost. If you have a bullying boss, try to minimize physical interaction, and document everything by email, or in the presence of others. This is especially important if you are a man with an abusive female boss. Avoid one-to-one meetings behind closed doors. Say, “I am not comfortable with the door closed.” This not only protects you from allegations, it also put the bullying female boss on notice that you will not be intimidated. Will this make her mad? Probably. It will also make her less likely to verbally attack you if coworkers can hear your conversation. If she insists on a closed door, it draws suspicion to her. If whatever she has to say is so important, then she should be comfortable doing it in front of a third party, such as a human resources representative. Do not cower before this type of boss. You can protect yourself while being respectful. Ultimately, the choice is yours, but men do have a disadvantage dealing with bulling female bosses. I am a heterosexual female, and I would advise any male colleague dealing with such a woman to put protective measures in place.
If you are a man dealing with an abusive female domestic partner–you deserve to be treated with respect. If you are upholding your obligations as a parent or financial provider (if there are children), and you are not abusive toward your partner, you will need to do some soul-searching to determine if this is how you want to spend your life. Narcissistic females will pull out all stops to abuse and exploit good men. If you have children, this will 99% of the time involve her using them as a weapon. Unless your children are infants, do not think that they don’t sense the dysfunction. My personal take growing up with a diagnosed narcissistic/borderline female parent and autistic father is that kids always know. It isn’t necessarily better to have two parents regardless of how abusive and dysfunctional the situation is. Many of you have religious backgrounds that dictate staying in the situation regardless of the cost to you and your children. It is ultimately your call. But please know that you can be a good father regardless of how/if you choose to remove yourself from the physical situation.
Tips to navigate bullying as a man:
“I am not cool with how you are speaking to me. If you have legitimate examples of my failure to perform my job/spousal/parental duties, I am open to feedback. Right now, I will not continue this conversation, until you can communicate in a constructive, respectful way.”
You do not have to take verbal or physical assault from a boss or spouse–male or female! There is never a justification for unprovoked verbal/physical assault. If you engage in verbal/physical assault, that is another issue that you need to discuss with a mental health care provider. If not, tell the abuser that it is unacceptable, and you will not deal with them. Leave the space. That also includes a female partner, mother, sister, etc. hitting you or screaming uncontrollably in a rage. You can be a good man, and still maintain boundaries. If you are experiencing domestic physical, emotional, mental, financial, or spiritual abuse–please seek outside assistance. If you are worried about your children, please seek help. This is not weak! This is you being a good, responsible, loving adult male. Also, know that you are not alone! There are so many strong, good men who are being bullied. It is a reflection of the abuser, not you!
If it is a friend or social/religious group bullying you, consider removing yourself from the group or reducing interaction. Bullying should not be considered a “normal” part of male social dynamics. You don’t have to “suck it up” when a male friend or colleague denigrates you. That is not friendship, that is dominance. You can find groups of men who do not have to knock each other down. If you feel humiliated or stressed when you interact with a male friend or group, that is a sign that it is not healthy for you. You can find other good male acquaintances who are good people, and want the best for you. You deserve better!
To all the good men who are striving to be good partners, fathers, friends, employees, and leaders–you are valued! Strong but gentle male influence is an important part of families, groups, and friendships. You are valued! Stay strong, and look after yourself, too!